12.01.15

I'm listening to James Bay and on the edge of tears. After a really stress filled day, i walk in the door. Nathan sees i've had a bad day. Apparently "I'm just in a mood" as usual. Next comes, how we are drifting apart and have been for months since that incident. I understand why, and obviously feel the same. A lump grows in my throat, yet again. Holding the tears back I try and shug off my emotions but it doesn't work. The tears don't just fall, they pour like the rainiest day. How can you handle everything when your mind is constantly in a battle with itself. Worrying isn't good for you it's the worst kind of poison you can image. Especially in a twisted little mind like my own. It's not the relationship it's all of the little heart strings attached to everything that makes us a "couple" bad memories, constant income problems and struggles. Everyone else's bad moods and issues that floods out home on almost a daily basis. We have a big chat, about what's happening next. This huge August burden thats undoubtedly is sat on both of our minds every moment of the day. I wish it would fucking go away, but it won't. For the last three years it's been "we are moving out of here soon" the tension sometimes sucks, you don't realise until you are in the situation. I get it and moving forward is constantly our main goal. 24 years young and most days I feel like a forty something soul, stuck in a world of unhappiness bills and a maze of struggle. I get home after the walk home from work and climb into comfort. Bedtime at 6pm looking like white dee because I've given up on life. My body is an overweight mess regardless of how much I hate myself i'm too depressed to do anything about it. I'll order prepare healthy foods like the way I wish I could live. Half way through the day i'll comfort eat because I'm so fucking fed up of the day. For once in my life I felt like the path was clear in front of me and the only way to go was forward. Boy, if only that was the way. As the plan stands, August arises. Nathan & I stop living together after four years and become alone again. In a relationship but alone. He only works two days a week gathering experience for his Security career, I work 40 hours plus week. Meaning he's decided to move back to his Mother's house while I have no option yet to live alone find somewhere cheap and shit to try and decorate to a moderately pinterest worthy room or studio flat. Somedays I think it sounds like the fucking greatest idea on the planet, to have my own space again but inside it's the opposite of what i want. Days like today I wish I would have killed myself years ago. & instantly take it back. Fuck life, fuck love, fuck money. I hate this,

Hate, hate, hate.